This is a thing that I was tagged in (on Facebook). Some sort of self-development, as far as I can tell. The following list contains 100 questions about me which I was meant to answer as truthfully as possible. I have left the questions exactly as I received them, except for question 100. Feel free to copy the questionnaire, remove my answers and substitute your own (as this seems to be the intended purpose), but do not blame me for any harm that results directly or indirectly from the ambiguity or terrible grammar. Oh, yes, if you do decide to waste your life by filling it out, apparently you should tag (again, on Facebook) whoever you wish - the more the merrier.
WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. last beverage= Water
2. last phone call= I honestly can't remember
4. last song you listened to= Mr Blue Sky (was just on the telly)
5. last time you cried= About an hour ago. But they were tears of joy. Laughing 'til I cried sorta thing. Manly tears. You know. 'Cuz something was funny...
HAVE YOU EVER:
6. dated someone twice= Yes, if you mean went on at least two dates. No if you mean dated them, broke up, then dated them again.
7. been cheated on= I think so
8. kissed someone & regretted it= I suppose with very far and intricately thought out hindsight I could kinda say yes?
9. lost someone special= Yeah. But I found 'em later sitting by the Info kiosk.
10. been depressed= "Sigh..." yeah.
11. been drunk and threw up= No. Well, I have done both independently, but not the latter as a result of the former.
LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. Do you mean my three favourite colours, or any random person's?
13. And by the way 'Favourite' and 'Colours' both have a 'u.' Unless you're American, which you're not.
14. And if you are, please stop insisting that you speak English. It is English, you know, from England. You Americans speak English in the same way that rape is making love. (Don't be too offended Austin, you speak lovely English ;) )
THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2011)
15. Made a new friend= Quite a few. Viva le Four Musketeers, and a moment of silence for our lost comrade.
16. Fallen out of love= I was pushed! Oh wait, this year? No.
17. Laughed until you cried= see Q 5.
18. Met someone who changed you= Like, removed my clothing and affixed a different set? No.
19. Found out who your true friends were= Yes
20. Found out someone was talking about you= Yeah. But it was in a nice way
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list= I assume you mean 'friends list' - in which case: Mmmn (mumble of affirmation).
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life= All but one, who I am almost certain is a figment of my imagination. Okay, this is stretching the truth a bit. But who cares? You'll probably have forgotten about this question in no more than 5 minutes, and if you haven't it'll just be out of spite.
23. How many kids do you want to have= 2
24. Do you have any pets= 2 cats that insist on not meowing properly
25. Do you want to change your name= No, not really.
26. What did you do for your last birthday= Watched Harry Potter then became inebriated. Or was it the other way round? Either way it was surprisingly enjoyable.
27. What time did you wake up today = 2. Yes, in the afternoon. MLIB
28. What were you doing at midnight last night = Watching Bill Bailey's Tinselworm.
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for= 26th of August. And 2013, so that I can laugh at all those people who are adamant that the Mayans were on to something.
30. Last time you saw your Mother= 'bout half an hour ago...
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life? = My DNA's irritating tendency to not replicate properly after a while.
32. What are you listening to right now = The beginning to Act 3 of Die Walküre.
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom= Yes. In fact I have spoken to as many as five people named Tom. Yeah... How cool am I?
34. What's getting on your nerves right now= My inability to yawn.
35. Most visited webpage = Facebook
37. Nickname= None that have maintained any significant period of usage.
38. Relationship Status = 'Status' implies the existence of something.
39. Zodiac sign = The bloke with the bow.
40. Male or female? = Yes
41. Elementary? = Ooh, ooh, I know this one: 'my dear Watson'
42. Middle School = St Peter's Prep
43. High school/College = St Alban's College
44. Hair colour = Brownish
45. Long or short = My hair is longish
46. Height = I dunno. Medium?
47. Do you have a crush on someone? = No. Well, sort of... No.
48: What do you like about yourself? = It fluctuates between everything and nothing.
49. Piercings= Oh, yes, of course. For thousands of years the human race was constantly warring: man was continually watching over his shoulder for someone who fervently wished to impale him with an arrow, or a sword, or more recently a bullet or nuke. This warring desire culminated in the very worrying threat of total extinction that was the cold war. But now that's all over with (relatively) man got kinda bored of relative peace, and when he realised that no one was planning on impaling him with anything, he decided to do it himself. What a fucking brilliant idea.
50. Tattoos = No
51. Righty or lefty= Righty tighty, lefty loosey. This is the only plausible connection that I can make with this question.
FIRSTS :
52. First surgery = Not applicable
53. First piercing= Ma'am van Graan's stare... O.O
54. First best friend= Chris Banahan
55. First sport you joined = Playball
56. First vacation= St Mike's on Sea
58. First pair of trainers = Jim and Carl, cardio and ball skills respectively.
59. Eating = If you mean what am I eating right now, then nothing. If you mean what do I like eating the most, then burned animal carcass, preferably cow or pig.
60. Drinking = Constantly
61. I'm about to = answer question 62
62. Listening to =I feel that I've already answered this?
63. Waiting for= Death. But that's all life is really, postponing the inevitable, putting off what we all know is going to happen until the last possible moment. Many argue that we all serve a purpose, and that life should not be wasted. These anti-procrastinationists haven't considered this: We may fool ourselves into believing nonsense such as purpose and meaning and morality, but everything that we put ourselves through serves one underlying purpose: avoid death for as long as possible. Life is merely procrastination, and the dark, obvious conclusion is that suicide is the ultimate alleviation of such. Personally I think procrastination is a good thing...
YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids? - You mean to own? to eat? to force into working in the salt mines? This questionnaire’s ambiguity makes me sick.
65. Get Married? - This is not even a question. It's a phrase with a question mark stuck to it whose lack of a finite verb and subject leaves it with as much coherence and sense as an autistic rabbit.
66. Career? Omfg.
WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes= Eyes
68. Hugs or kisses= Hugs
69. Shorter or taller= Shorter or same height
70. Older or Younger = Older or same age
71. Romantic or spontaneous = Romantic. Had enough crazy unpredictability to last a lifetime, thank you very much.
72. Nice stomach or nice arms = Stomach
73. Sensitive or loud = Sensitive
74. Hook-up or relationship = Relationship
75. Trouble maker or hesitant= No
HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger = Define stranger.
77. Drank hard liquor= Yeah. Though it was more wet than hard...
78. Lost glasses/contacts = Broken many, lost none.
79. Sex on first date= No
80. Broken someone's heart = I don't think so. Not on purpose, anyway.
81. Had your own heart broken = Uh, not so much broken as cut out, pulverised, deep fried then fed to rabid wolves...
82. Been arrested = To say no would be stretching the definition of arrest, but no.
83. Kissed same sex = I reserve the right to remain sil- I mean, no.
84. Cried when someone died = Does the Bucket List ring a bell? If that didn't make you cry you have no soul.
85. Fallen for a friend? = Uhm... see Q 83... ;) This is a joke. The real answer is no.
DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself = No, no I do not believe in myself. I am just a myth emboldened by the guilty rich of early human civilisations looking for absolution for their immoral deeds. I am a fairy tale told to small children to teach them life lessons in a fun and interactive way. I am a character devised to remove the burden of disappointment from parents on holidays such as Easter and Christmas. What a godawfully ridiculous question.
87. Miracles= No. Blind luck, coincidence, gravity and the electroweak and strong nuclear forces are what govern this universe.
88. Love at first sight = Not yet.
89. Heaven= No, but I'm hoping against hope I'm wrong.
90. Santa Claus = Some old fat guy in a costume who lives in a secluded mansion and breaks into people's houses, eats their food and leaves lots of shit around for their small children to play with?... Sounds terribly suspect to me.
91. Kiss on the first date= Why yes, yes I do.
92. Angels= Musically inclined winged beasts who threaten to damn you to an eternity in fiery sulphur pits unless you do exactly as they say? They sound almost as bad as Santa o.O
ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time= No
95. Did you sing today? = Yes
96. Ever cheated on somebody? = No
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?= Ah. Well, if one were to invent a time machine it would be reasonable to assume that one would go to the bother of installing a means of travelling repeatedly. Working on this assumption, I would first go back 12 years to neuter at least one of Justin Bieber's parents, then I would go back to the early 1940s and show Einstein that he can tell all his unbelieving contemporaries to suck it, then I would go back to 1850 and shake Darwin's hand, and then I would go to a few seconds before the big bang (assuming I'd be some sort of external observer) to witness pure awesomeness. Finally I'd go back and stop my grandmother and grandfather from meeting, just to see what happens.
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? = Uhm, I don't know. There were so many nice ones.
99. Are you afraid of falling in love? = No: just as with normal falling, it's not the fall that scares me, it's the hitting the rock-hard bottom and having my entire being crushed beyond recognition that does.
100. I do not understand what attempts to pass as question 100, and have thus removed it. You can't hurt anyone any more, Question 100, you can't hurt anyone.
Well, not only has this quiz been an absolute disappointment in the region of self-exploration, it has shattered the furthest boundaries of what I thought were badly constructed, incoherent and grammatically offensive quizzes. I have put you through this simply because misery loves company.
