It's an ego thing.

I’m going to cut straight to the chase:

We’re falling behind in reader numbers lately, despite my well thought out plan to review… things.
No matter, because I have a new plan, and this one’s even better than the last! It’ll attract many
strangers and thus increase my reader base by at least about two (many of you must now be inclined
to think that I’m a self-centred egotistic attention seeking git, but the truth is I simply really
love writing - I just feel that there’s little point in writing if nobody’s going to read what’s written.

You, the readers, are the source of both my inspiration and my desire to write, I hope you
know that).


The plan I speak of is the outcome of many hours of web browsing, during which I observed certain…

rules for successful interneting. It seems one of the main mistakes I have made is too much writing
and not enough pictures. People love pictures but I started this whole blogging thing for writing only.
So, I’m at a bit of a dilemma here: should I forgo my values as a writer for some extra page views, or
do I continue my picture-less rants knowing full well it’s costing me readers? After much thought

I have decided to try my luck at some pictures now and then (when appropriate) but this will not be
a picture-based blog. I s’pose if I actually found a definite topic to write about I could go back to
full literary dedication, but for now I’ll have a go at some mix ‘n match

Commitment’s another issue I have. As some of you may know I’ve basically had 6 months of chill.

What this means, besides me being well up to speed on the latest Dr Who and HIMYM, is that

I’m pretty darn lazy at the moment. 6 months of no responsibility and no commitment – just pure
thinking time – has shot my already questionable work ethic to pieces. It will take quite a bit
of time to get back into a routine, and my body is just not particularly interested in that right now.

You can judge my self-control all you like (it’s never been my strong point), the point is that I
wouldn’t, at this point in time, do anything strenuous or exertive unless I was guaranteed to
get something financial, amusing or gratifying out of it (and we’re back to the egotistic git).


This ‘plan,’ come to think of it, isn't a precisely good plan. In fact it’s not a plan at all, not really:

from browsing the internet I realised some people like pics, and thus decided to include some, if
any, in my blog. This is neither particularly convincing nor cunning however, as I’ve not got any
other ideas on increasing the instant-gratification factor of this page, it’ll have to do. I’m a shallow

guy, yes, yes I’ve heard it all before.


I feel I might be coming off a bit strongly here, and I don’t want you to get the wrong impression.

Just because I crave attention in my writing does not mean I’m an extroverted person. I don’t
wanna be known as the attention seeking narcissist who’d do anything for recognition. To
tell the truth, I’m not that person, I just occasionally exhibit some of his characteristics.

You know, in non-writing based endeavours I’m really quite modest. Incredibly modest. Oh,
how you wish you were as modest as me, ‘cause I’m the best at being modest!! But I digress.

I’m simply asking you not to judge me too harshly based solely on this passage (though I get the
feeling it’s a bit late for that). Goddammit, you see even now, I’m asking for your approval! I’ve
gotta stop this, it’ll drive me mad! I really need to get over my reliance on you, my readers.
Make me stop, please.


You might have noticed that I have diverged somewhat from the original topic. As you were led to

understand, this entire passage is meant to be about falling reader numbers. However, I almost
never reveal the true topic of my writings up front. Well, that’s a complete lie, I often do. But I’m
gonna do something different today. I shall change topic half way through (shock and horror!). I’ll
give you a moment to absorb this incredibly unconventional and somewhat risky move. Are
you over it yet? Good.


Up until now, bees (yes, bees - you didn’t think I was serious about the topic change, did you?) have

never really directly played an important part in my life. At least I thought they didn’t. I’m now
gonna tell you why bees (you still think I might be joking, don’t you?) actually do quite a lot to
let us humans live. Well, I say a lot, it’s more like one general thing, and they don’t exactly go to,
you know, any extra effort or anything (as it’s instinctive), but it’s still pretty important…


Down in the vast farmlands (or up, depending on your geographical location), farmers could

never even hope to make a living were it not for bees. In America alone (this is probably
gonna shock you as much as it did me) bees pollinate $19 billion worth of crops annually. I’ll
run that by you again. $19 billion. Every third mouthful of food you eat you owe to a bee that flew
around his entire life pollinating his fuzzy yellow arse off.


And that’s not all. You might not think it but bees, from those nasty scorpion things in the

desert to the smartest dolphins in the ocean, have the most sophisticated communication
you will ever find (aside from human language, of course). Also, whilst dolphins and scorpions have
never been understood too well, scientists believe they have a grasp on Bee. If, for example, a bee is

gonna go out flower hunting, it’ll do a funky ‘waggle dance’ to tell all its friends where it’s going, and 

make sure they know how long it’ll be out. That’s another thing they’re surprisingly good at; like
you and me, bees have a sense of time (uncommon in nature apparently). The sting might make you
cry, but you have to admit that bees are pretty incredible. As are the people who study them…


Never before Karl von Frisch had a Nobel Prize in animal study been awarded, and unless someone’s

gonna do something as cool as learning how bees talk to each other (what he did) pretty soon, I’d
say that record’s secure. There are many more facts about bees I could bore you with, but I must say
goodbye soon, as I think I’ve pushed my luck with word limits far enough for now. I dare say I’ve
never rambled for this long about such twaddle in my life. But bear with me just a bit longer, I’m
gonna try to wrap this drivel up as best I can.


Tell a man there’s a hundred billion stars in the cosmos and he’ll believe you. Tell him that his plate’s

a bit hot and he’ll have to touch it to check. It’s an ego thing. The earlier topic change was a bit of a
lie. I was only trying to distract you; I had no real intentions of changing the topic. For those of you, 
and I’m sure there are some, who have caught on to what I’ve done, I hope you appreciate it. But I
hurt to think that some might not notice. So if  you haven’t, and you’re currently rather confused,
you might want to take a closer look at the first word of every line… It’s an ego thing.

And another thing.... (sort of)

Functionality, style, and magnitude of instilled awe and wonder. These are the three qualities which I have, if I’m quite honest, somewhat randomly chosen to use in judging the awesomeness of the things that I write about. So far I have written about a thing that possesses the first two qualities, but lacks heavily in the third (for it does not double as a rocket launcher or anything), and a thing that is strong in all three areas (as it is basically full-scale, live Battleships). I thought today that I’d mix things up a little by attempting to find something that would not qualify in any of the categories; something that has no useful purpose, something that has no grace or flair and something that does not shock or amaze in any way. Essentially I am looking for something that no one in their right mind would ever conceive of; something with no point at all.

The name Lindsay Lohan immediately springs to mind, but that’s a little bit unfair – she did briefly provide mild amusement for the useless-white-trash-leeches of society who contribute nothing and spend their entire existences following the escapades of other, richer, useless non-contributors. On second thoughts, perhaps my hasty criticism of this broken actress was slightly uncalled for – she did use her fame to help the Red Cross during the Haiti disaster aftermath, though frankly I don’t see what use someone whose house has just been decimated can have for the former child-star of The Parent Trap.

Using the above reasoning I can discount any and all celebrities, famous people and indeed famous things from my search for a completely pointless thing; they all serve some purpose, even if it is only to be famous. Extrapolating this notion, I can see that it is going to be pretty tough finding something without any point at all: anything that can be named can be said to serve the fundamental purpose of being itself (for example a square qualifies, beyond anything else, as a square. Even if all its other functions are stripped away it still has that).

Ignoring the quite possible logical fallacy above, I’m betting that even were some philosopher able to come up with a loophole in the above statement and find a thing with no point, no purpose, no use or function, some spiteful bastard would argue that this thing’s purpose is then to be pointless; intended as some sort of exception to the rule (the fact that I’d probably be that spiteful bastard is irrelevant).

It seems that looking for something with absolutely no intended purpose is like trying to lick your own elbows; you can try for hours on end but no matter how much stretching is done beforehand your efforts will be fruitless (I’m not entirely sure how the stretching fits in to my metaphor, but I don’t really have much to work with here…).

This all makes sense, really. In evolutionary terms, we can only inherit those traits which our ancestors possessed. The urge to waste valuable and limited time on a thing that provides no advantage or gain, or even change, in any way is not exactly promising for a species’ progress. Pointlessness was bred out of us long ago (if we ever had it at all).

That said, recent ‘natural selection’ has favoured the brain-dead rugby player over the rational and coherent. Fortunately, humanity has not yet regressed to the stage where utterly useless things are conceivable, but perhaps one day we will, and then I’ll have a pointless thing to write about. For now, though, everything has a purpose, no matter how trivial or silly or rugby-affiliated that purpose may seem. 

Another thing...

In the previous post I wrote about a thing. Although it was very good at what it was supposed to do, to be honest the Philips TRESemmé HP4882/07 Salon Control Ionic Hairdryer 2000w was not a particularly outstanding ‘thing’. To be a great thing something needs to have not only functionality but style and awesomeness (in the original context of the word) too - a wow factor of some sort - and no hairdryer can have the last unless it is a hairdryer that doubles as a heat-seeking rocket launcher. You need to walk away from that thing thinking “Incredible! That is certainly something that I shall remember for a while yet.” Or if (unlike me) you are not a pretentious git, thinking “wow, I’m gonna remember that!” will also be acceptable.

This brings me on to my next thing. This thing definitely has a wow factor, and not just because of its cool Latin name. I’ll bet you’ve never heard of this thing before, but after this you’ll never forget about it. The thing that I am talking about is a thing called ‘naumachia’, and it is basically the Roman version of the board game ‘Battleships’, but played with real ships and real people on a really, really big board.

Essentially, this immense naval version of ‘Gladiator’ pits two (or more) teams of prisoners of war against each other in a giant water-filled pit. These teams (of a thousand plus fighters) mash it out in boats ranging from small scaphas to monstrous triremes and quinqueremes. Smaller versions could be held in modified amphitheatres (such as the Coliseum), but for the most part these vast spectacles of death and terror occurred in specially dug basins, few of which remain even slightly intact today.

As you can imagine, these events were not particularly easy to organise. Even an emperor of Rome would have had difficulty gathering a couple of hundred warships and several thousand prisoners in the middle of a densely populated city. As such the naumachia were not given (sic) very frequently. After the first one, given by Julius Caesar (that arrogant bastard whom Brutus and his boys considerately rid us all of), 50 years passed before a subsequent was organised.

Once a naumachia had begun, the unfortunate condemned-to-die would attempt to stay the inevitable outcome for as long as possible. In the unlikely event that there was enough manoeuvring space in the glorified bathtub for two fleets, the ships would ram into each other, fire arrows and generally employ basic naval warfare tactics to disable and sink the other team’s boats. If, as was usually the case, the tub was too crowded for the ships to do anything other than sit around being tactically useless, the audience would be ‘treated’ to a tremendous scene of hand-to-hand combat. Either way, there was a lot of blood, gore and death.

You might remember I mentioned that a thing needs three features to be considered great: functionality, style and a wow factor. Even though I don’t particularly condone it, in this regard naumachia is pretty remarkable. It undoubtedly has the wow factor, in that its scale and apparent inhumanity are almost incomprehensible.  Aside from the unfathomable cruelty and scope, it does hold a certain amount of prestige that is inherent to things associated with Roman emperors (laurel wreaths, the Coliseum, etc) and this accounts for its style. It is in functionality that a dispute breaks out:

A lot of people may argue that the slaughter of thousands of lives for pure and fleeting amusement cannot be productive in any way, and that it is simply a long lost mistake from a long lost civilisation. My opinion however, is different. To me, naumachia really seems like the Roman version of going to the movies, except in HD, surround sound, 3D, IMAX, and without any restrictions on bringing your own snacks. Now what could possibly be more useful to the ancients’ entertainment industry than that?

A thing.

In the previous post I stated that I would start informing you dedicated reader (that's you, Alex) about more than just my fleeting musings. Well, without further ado, I introduce my first thing: a hairdryer.

Hairdryers in general are nice enough, and their concept is simple to understand (a fan forces air through a tube and over one or more twisted heating coils to produce a flow of hot air - this is then pointed at your head to dry your wet hair) but the hairdryer that I'm talking about is no ordinary 'dryer (as they're called in the trade).

The Philips TRESemmé HP4882/07 Salon Control Ionic Hairdryer 2000w is a one of a kind beaut (please note that this is hyperbole for effect, the HP8190 is a similar model, and in fact newer so probably better too). Whether you want a cool breeze or a volcanic gale, with 18 different settings permutations (through three different adjustable switches) this dryer will easily be able to provide. In addition to these unbelievable 18 settings, there is an "ION" control switch, which engages a fancy blue light on the top of the tube, and... well that's all really (though the scientists claim it will reduce frizziness).


This model is also renowned for its outstanding Chinese build quality. Made from strong, solid... uhm... plastic and with an aluminium rear intake guard, this reliable model will suit all your holiday/adventure travel needs. It has a 3 metre rubber encased chord ending in a standard, ASTA approved 3-prong plug (depending on your location), so can be used close to and far away from the wall.

No matter who you are, this is the perfect dryer for you: available in a total of one colour scheme, this durable and versatile instrument is both an excellent and affordable day-to-day hairdryer as well as wonderful addition to any avid collector's set.

A superb item, worthy of 4.5 stars

-UPDATE-
I have recently been contacted by a concerned reader who notified me that the company which sells the above mentioned thing has gone out of business. However, if you are interested in finding other things of a similar ergonomic nature, a good place to look is here. Thank you for your understanding.

I must be doing something wrong

Let's face it - I have failed in my 1 month of posts project. However, I must make it clear that the blame is not on me; it is on you, the readers. I fulfilled my obligation as the writer (I wrote) but you were useless readers: you did not read, and thus I had no motivation. Call me a shallow extrovert all you want, but you know it's true.

I am, of course, joking. You know I love you guys. Well at least you Alex, as for all I know you've simply checked in on this page 172 times. I take full responsibility for my lack of reader base. It is my fault, though I was not at first entirely sure why. However, after browsing through a number of random blogs, I think I can now shed some light on the situation.

My posts are generally meaningless. Although one or two people might have a laugh now and then, no one walks away any the wiser, and most people do not want this. In today's rat-race-societied-high-paced-high-flying-wotsit world, if someone is going to have a laugh, it can't be for free. This someone will not want to waste his/her time on some instant (and fleeting) gratification. He/she will want something more permanent; perhaps some information that will be useful in idle chatter, maybe some opinions that will help in purchasing a new car, or possibly some tips that will aid in general day-to-day living (I have suddenly realised the uselessness of referring to the 3 pages which I visited, as there is no possible way you could be privy to that information. The first was a blog discussing current affairs, the second was a page for the car enthusiast and the third was written by a mother telling of her child-raising experiences. Now the previous sentence should make more contextual sense). My blog gives nothing of the sort, for it is made up of nothing more than my random and spontaneous drivellings.

So, taking the above findings into consideration, I can see that if I want to expand my reader base I'm going to need to start being more... useful. It is therefore that I pronounce rather formally that from hereon until such a time as I realise I am wrong or simply get bored, I shall dedicate this blog to informing the readers thereof about "things". My first attempt will follow shortly.